time to smoke my breakfast
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
