I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
