I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
