DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
