I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
