guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
