but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
