I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
