Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
