I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
