Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize