Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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