mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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