Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
