I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
