Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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