Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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