apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
