Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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