I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
