I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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