i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
