The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
