I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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