how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
