I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
NoShamevember. You game?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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