i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
