That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
