You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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