You're so nebulous sometimes
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
