Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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