enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
