I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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