brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
