I just cut my nipple shaving
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Randomize
