we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
and i looked up. we had an audience...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize