we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
