I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize