I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
