Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
