that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
