I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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