i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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