some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
