Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
operation harelip BJ is a go
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
