So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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