Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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