I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
