Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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