I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
why is half of my head shaved?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
