I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My feet surprised me
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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