The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
