I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Randomize
