At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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