her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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