when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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