I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
