Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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