I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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