i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
