last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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