Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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