i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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