You just made me feel so damn special
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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