I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
