I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
