I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize