Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
