can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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