she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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