pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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